Tuesday, January 06, 2009

No-Driving 101: Entering - Exiting Freeways



The continuing tutorial containing no secondhand smoke- but four to one hundred and twenty times as likely to kill you (and me)...


Today's Lesson: Entering and exiting freeways.

The recent surge in gasoline prices made these maneuvers particularly tricky- as you had people actually driving BELOW the posted speed limits as well as those in their Consumption Chariots driving their normal 80 MPH..

Most of those driving slowly (trying to conserve fuel- heh) tend to be in that lane closest to the freeway on-ramp.

Without using that lever we discussed in the last lesson- enter the freeway on-ramp at a low speed and- regardless of the freeway ramp's grade (even a downhill one)- maintain a speed on the ramp at least 10-15 MPH below that of existing traffic.

Maintain that speed regardless of the speed of the freeway traffic and- again not using that left-hand lever- gradually but surely nudge over into the freeway's right lane. Relax as you hear screeching noises and crashes behind you and without using the left lever- merge into whatever lane that pleases you.

Use extreme caution merging rapidly upon entrance into the far left lane- as other no-drivers are probably not paying attention as they whiz along anywhere from 10-20 MPH above the posted speed limit.

Make sure your own speed is at or below the posted speed limit as you merge into these far left lanes- remember- it's from the far left lane that we're going to exit the freeway (yes I know- MOST freeway exits are on the right- but hey- we're NO DRIVERS!)

Now- we're cruising along in the left lane. You may now accelerate above the speed limit- as well as eat- put on makeup- converse and/or text on your cellphone. The stripes painted on the roadway are only GENERAL markers- you're fine if you keep your vehicle on the roadway at all.

Rear view mirrors? Hell- who cares what's BEHIND you- we're not driving in reverse.

Cruising along in the far left lane- we see we want off on the next exit- only 200 feet ahead- and on the RIGHT. Some may- at this time- want to consult that rear view mirror as you drift toward the right lanes.

DO NOT DO THIS- this is a common mistake of DRIVERS- many of which use the left-hand lever in conjunction with the mirror. This can cause slippage of cellphones- beverages- makeup kits and food items.

Without reducing speed- immediately aim your vehicle toward the off ramp. The risk of this maneuver increases with the number of freeway lanes you must cross at the last second to reach your exit. Hope other drivers are fully-insured as you are (optimally) not.

If you have made it successfully down the freeway's off ramp- you are now free to ignore the panhandlers waiting at the traffic signal at the end of the ramp...

And YOU have made another trip as a (nearly) professional no-driver.

Next lesson: No-driver parking.

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